Tales from the Unemployment Line
by CZeke
Summary: What does it truly mean to follow the path of the unemployed ninja? Don't ask Izuna, she's just in it for the XP. An ongoing comedy collection.


It was the statue that finally pushed Ina over the edge.

Bad enough that her career was going nowhere. Bad enough that she was terminally single while Ichika of all people was engaged. Bad enough that this podunk town, where a star like Ina should be getting all the attention, was instead all about old-fashioned nonsense - gods and rituals and combat.

No, she might have been able to stand all that if everyone could just shut up about Izuna for ten seconds! What was so great about that musclebound twit? Maybe she'd _eventually_ solved a couple of problems, but she'd clearly blundered her way through the whole thing. Ina had lost count of the times the villagers had found Izuna unconscious outside some cave with all her weapons and money gone. And each time she woke up, she would spend hours crying over her losses (mostly the money) before trying again.

Ina had no idea why the villagers hadn't just dealt with the gods themselves instead of waiting for some novice to do it. Izuna might be preposterously strong, but this was no ordinary town either. There were plenty of others here who could hold their own in combat. There were blacksmiths, adventurers, talisman crafters, even that butch tomboy Ichika. (That _engaged_ butch tomboy Ichika. Arrgh!) And the locals actually knew these gods, while Izuna was an out-of-towner with no manners. Ina herself had probably been the only one in Kamiari _not_ better suited for the job.

But no. Somehow, out of all these people, it had fallen to Izuna to get the curse lifted. She'd succeeded - barely. And she'd immediately become everyone's hero. The men hit on her, the women admired her, the gods themselves respected her.

And now they were _building her a statue_.

Ina had put up with this quietly for long enough. It was time to give that ditz a piece of her mind.

* * *

Izuna was asleep, of course. She wasn't even in her house, just lying outside on a hill. She'd eaten lunch and then dozed off. Most days those were the only two things she did.

Ina stood over her, hands on her hips. "What IS it with you?"

The ninja's eyes eased open. "Hey Ina. Whazzup?"

"Don't give me that! I've had it with you!"

Izuna blinked. "Had what?"

" _Enough!_ "

"Huh." She sat up. "Is this some kinda slang? I don't really know how you country folks talk."

Smoke came out Ina's ears. "Who do you think you are?"

"Uh, the _awesome_ Izuna, ninja master of the world. Did you forget? I'll see if I can get them to write that on my statue for reference."

"That's it! The statue! The DAMN statue! Why do you deserve your own statue, huh?"

Izuna narrowed her eyes. She was awake enough now to start taking proper offense. "Uh, I did save you, y'know. Without me you'd still be asleep or yelling or whatever."

"Yeah, 'cause that was _so_ hard to do." Ina stared down condescendingly. "Oh boy, you had to go in a few caves and talk to a few gods. I'm so impressed."

The ninja stood up. "Did you seriously not hear how it went down? I had to fight them! It was life or death!"

"Oh, honey. You didn't think they were fighting for real, did you? Like a human could win a fight with a god! They were just playing with you!"

"And I played _better!_ I mean - no, wait, hang on. I mean - 'a few caves'? It was way more than a few! It was like seven or eight!"

"Who cares how many? They're _caves_. You just go inside and do something and leave. Real hard."

Izuna raised her eyebrows. "That's what you think? Wow, you have no idea how ninjaing works, do you?"

"I don't think that's even a wor- hey!" Izuna had grabbed her by the arm and was pulling her along. "Let go!"

"Nuh-uh. I'm taking you in one of those 'caves'. You're gonna see for yourself!"

* * *

They were outside the Snake Hole, and so far, Ina wasn't impressed. "Looks like a regular old cave to me," she said.

"Well _yeah_ , because you're not a ninja! You can't see with the eye of the dragon!"

"The wha- HEY!" Izuna had grabbed her arm again. She dashed into the cave, pulling Ina along with such force that she completely lost her bearings.

When she got them back - " _What in tarnation?!_ "

This couldn't possibly be the cave Ina had seen from the outside. It was huge! The open area they were standing in was bigger than a house, and judging by all the exits, this room was only the beginning. The cave's exterior must have been very cleverly designed to conceal all this.

"See?" said Izuna, and Ina nodded numbly. She did se-

Now wait just a minute here! "Okay, so it's _big_ ," said Ina. "So what? Oh boo hoo, it took you a few minutes to find the guy!"

Izuna seemed about to argue, but then paused. The world's least subtle evil grin appeared on her face. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she said. "It was pretty easy. I mean, still not easy enough for _you_ to do it, but pretty easy."

Ina knew she shouldn't take the bait. This was obviously a trap. Obviously...

...but dammit, she would not stand here and be _sassed_! "Oh really? Too hard for me, huh? Let's find out! Right here, right now!"

"You got it!" said Izuna. "We'll make it a contest! If I get to Shuuchi first, you show me respect!"

"And if I get to him first, you don't get a statue!"

Izuna flinched, but just for a second. "Fine! Then if I win, you have to write a ballad about me and sing it at the dedication!"

"Fine! Then if I win, I get a statue of _me!_ "

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

" _Fine!_ "

"FINE!"

They stuck their tongues out at each other, spun around, and stomped off in opposite directions.

* * *

25 minutes later, Ina was huddled in a dark corner, trembling with fear.

What _was_ this cave? Did it ever end? Ina had spent what felt like hours going down endless twisty little passages, all alike. Eventually she'd given up and decided to leave, but she couldn't find the exit. In desperation, she'd taken some stairs, and now she couldn't even find _those_ again!

And that wasn't all. The place was full of monsters! No one had told her that! Even that geezer Tokusuke who kept getting beaten up in the caves always said the gods themselves had done the beating. Ina had expected to find the tunnels boring and empty. Instead, every time she turned the corner she had to hide from... from...

These things _should not have existed!_ They were hideous! Walking rocks! Killer rabbits! Giant disembodied heads with _faces on both sides!_ What twisted imagination could have created these things?

Ina was not a woman who easily swallowed her pride, but at this point she'd long since forgotten what pride even was. She needed Izuna. She needed to be _saved_. All she could do until then was wait.

Wait, and try not to... to...

What...

...was that sound...

...behind her?

Very, very, slowly, Ina turned. What had come up behind her was nothing unusual. It was just a frog.

A perfectly ordinary four-foot-tall frog.

 _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"_

* * *

Puzzled, the frog looked down at the human who had just fainted in front of it. What was going on here? This wasn't a ninja. The frog knew the protocol for a passed-out ninja - lug her to the entrance, from which she would eventually disappear, only to return later hale and hearty. That was the circle of life. But what was to be done with some... non-combatant?

The frog came closer and nudged the human. Maybe she would -

"HEY! Back off, ya moron! Scoot!"

Ah, _there_ was the ninja. The frog retreated, but only made it a few steps before getting sliced neatly in half.

"Honestly," Izuna muttered. "The nerve of some cheapo monster messing with my stuff. Hey Ina, still with us?"

There was no answer. Izuna took a good look: Ina was breathing, but definitely not awake. She looked like she'd seen... well, Hell, actually. Shino had never _literally_ shown that to Izuna, but this was the reaction she'd always assumed she would have.

"Hey! Up an' at 'em!" Izuna shook Ina. "C'mon!" No response. "Hmm. Shino-sis always gets me up by telling me it's breakfast time... what would a valley girl like you get excited about? Hot guys? Magazines?"

Izuna leaned over to yell in Ina's ear. "HEY! Hot magazines right here! Come an' get 'em!''

No response. Izuna shrugged. " 'Kay then. Well, I have better things to do than carry you. Guess I'll just be Kikan you outta here!" She smirked at her brilliant pun and began rooting around in her bag. ''Lesse now... nope... nope... why did I even pick this up?... nope...'' She tossed the items behind her as she searched.

There was a _pop_ sound. Izuna turned to see a giant egg collapsing, pierced by the caltrop she had just thrown. An equally giant tadpole emerged.

Izuna glanced down at Ina. "Mmmmaybe I'll carry you."

* * *

Slowly, gradually, Ina became aware of the world again. She was still in the cave, but something seemed to have changed about it... and she seemed to be moving. What was going on?

There was a deep male voice she didn't recognize. "Back already?"

"Don't worry, just passin' through." That had to be Izuna. "I'm not mean enough to kick your butt twice in one day."

"Nonsense - I welcome as many battles as you can handle." So Izuna must be talking to the god of this cave... Shuuchi, was it? "At the moment, however, you seem encumbered."

"Ee-yup. Last time I'm bringing an amateur in here."

"Who is that, anyway? I thought I knew all the people of Kamiari."

"Name's Ina. She came with the out-of-towners. Don't let her hotness fool ya, she's about as much fun as Suiren."

Ina had never met Suiren, but she had a feeling she should be offended. Her confusion was still more important, though. Why did the floor look so far away? Why was it so hard to focus?

"Hey! Quit staring," said Izuna to Shuuchi. She paused. "Unless it's at me, in which case who can blame ya?" Ina rolled her eyes; she was absolutely sure Izuna was making that stupid kissy-face gesture of hers.

"No," the god replied. "I am simply curious. Why this strange mode of conveyance?"

"Oh, _that_. Well come on, I needed a hand free!"

Hands? Something clicked for Ina. Her hands were dangling loosely... _above_ her head. Was she _upside down?_

"I am impressed that you need only one hand to hold her legs in place, but the blood flow is probably -"

"Look, people who don't wanna get worn like backpacks shouldn't pass out in dungeons."

Things were finally making sense to Ina now. Her hands were hurting because they were dragging on the floor. The cave looked different because it was upside down. Izuna had accused Shuuchi of staring because, under the influence of gravity, her kimono must be dangling open.

Wait. _Her kimono was -_

BAM!

"Did you hear something just now?" Izuna asked, glancing around.

Shuuchi winced. "You banged her head into a rock."

"Eh. Can't be helped."

"You're past all the monsters, you know. It's safe to use both ha-"

"Nag, nag, nag!"

* * *

This time Ina regained consciousness faster, but once again her surroundings had changed. She was outside now and being carried more normally. In fact, for just a moment her mind went back to when she was little and her daddy would carry her in from the yard after a hard day's -

"Wakey-wakey! Ready to admit how much you suck yet? And I lied about the hot magazines, just so's you know."

So much for _that_ little moment of peace. "Put... put me down."

"Nope. You need to recover. You musta fainted right into a wall or something. There's a bump on your head the size of Hinagiku."

Ina narrowed her eyes. "I remember fainting, but not hitting my -"

" _Well that's how it happened._ Anyway, I dunno where you live, so I'm taking you to the inn."

Too tired to argue, Ina nodded.

"Learned your lesson now?" asked Izuna. "The way of the ninja is not for lightweights! We train until we can challenge everything that exists - people, gods, the world itself!"

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Hey, you better be taking notes. In case you've forgotten, you owe me a ballad. I expect twenty-eight verses."

Horror swept over Ina - she'd forgotten their bet. Maybe she could at least bargain Izuna down... "Four."

"Twenty-eight."

"Six?"

"Twenty-eight and I don't chuck you back in the cave."

Ina sighed. She would have to think of a lot of words that rhymed with "Izuna".

They had now reached the entrance of the inn. "My my," said Ume. "What happened to -"

" _No time for the elderly!_ " Izuna declared, brushing past her.

With that, they were inside. Izuna looked around and found a bed to deposit Ina on. She carefully laid her down and crouched at her side. "Now listen up. There's one more thing you oughta know."

Ina rolled her head away from the annoying girl's gaze. "Yes?"

"I turned down the statue."

She spun back. "What?"

"You're working off out-of-date intel, Ina. I told the village chief no. I don't need something like that."

"But - but you acted like -"

Izuna grinned. "I thought it was funny."

"But a statue! Of _yourself_! You said _no_ to that? _You_ of all people?"

"See, where are you getting this idea that you know what I'm like? Based on what, a chat and a half?"

Ina shook her head vigorously. "I don't believe you! Who could possibly turn down a statue?"

"Someone who was just doing her job and protecting her family. It was nothing fancy."

That was what Izuna said. What she was thinking was this: _It also just miiiiight be possible that I caused the problem in the first place. I mean, it was kinda hard to follow, but I think it was at least half me. Some hero. Yeah, let's build a statue of the troublemaker who only fixed things because nobody else could - AND who tried to take off with her little group and leave the town to its fate at least twice. Embarrassing doesn't cover it. I'm awesome, but I don't deserve a statue._

"Yet!" she finished with a smile.

"Huh?"

"Oops, did I say the last bit out loud? Never mind."

Ina stared. "You are just... something else."

"I am a mystery wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a fetch quest. And it's not just me, y'know! People have layers. There's more to _you_ than just being an unbelievable bitch-queen to everybody, right?"

"Hey! I am _not_ a..."

The musician was suddenly silent. Her mouth opened and closed several times. Izuna smirked. "Can't say it with a straight face, huh?"

No answer - except for a look of abject horror.

"You okay?"

"Izuna... WHERE ARE WE?!"

She blinked. "The inn." But Ina pointed behind her, so she turned around to look... and sighed. "Aw, come on, really?"

The two young women were in a place that _looked_ , in any given spot, like the inside of the inn. But this sense of order didn't hold up in the room as a whole. Furniture and lamps were placed at random across a vast expanse of tatami mats. Through the doorways were corridors that led far into the distance, with no other rooms in sight.

"Crap," said Izuna. "Okay, lemme explain. Remember how I said ninjas challenge the world itself? Well, the world kinda takes that personally. It has a defense mechanism."

Ina just stared, so she continued. "When ninjas go into a place, the place sometimes turns into a big stupid maze on us. Not always. If we know the owner and he doesn't wanna fight us, we're usually okay. But it's finicky. Looks like I ticked off old Ume just enough."

"This... this happens _everywhere_ you go?"

"Yep. That's the burden of the ninja, baby! Why do you think we got so good at sneaking into places?"

"So Tokusuke..."

"Not a ninja. He just walks right on in so the gods can hand him his butt."

"And _I_... I mean, just now..."

"Bingo! If you walked into Shuuchi's cave _without_ me, it would be just a regular old hole. I had to take you so you'd see what it's like for _me_."

The air around Ina was rumbling as she said, "You put me through that just to make a _point?_ "

The ninja blinked. "Uh, yeah. Wasn't that already the reason before I told you this stuff?"

After a moment's thought, Ina realized that was true, but she still stood up and gave Izuna a good whack. "Stupid stupid _stupid_ piece of _shut up_!"

She ran off. Wincing, Izuna called after her, "Watch your -"

It was too late. Ina heard a noise at her feet. She looked down to see some kind of button that had _definitely_ not been there a moment ago... and when she looked back up, she was surrounded.

Not by people, of course. By angry stone walls with faces. And a frog for good measure.

 _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"_

The musician hit the floor. Again.

Sighing, Izuna took a leftover sword from her bag. "And heeeere we go. Hey, you guys know if I have to fight Ume to get outta here?"

As the last bit of Ina's consciousness faded, she decided that as far as her lyrics were concerned, "Izuna" rhymed perfectly with "nincompoop."

* * *

 _ **A/N:** This'll be a collection of short pieces about the Izuna series, which is way too much fun to have so little fic. You'll be seeing more of Ina, who's my favourite minor character from the first game (she's at the top left of the temple grounds if you missed her). Izuna needs a tsukkomi to bounce off, and most of the other characters just like her too much._

 _This chapter is dedicated to the memory of the Gankutsu Shrine solo-Izuna run I just lost. For once that godforsaken dungeon gave me all the items I needed and more, and I still managed to screw up. That run deserved a more careful player._


End file.
